Geico Caveman Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #149

The Geico Caveman Halloween Costume is one ugly mother.  I hate those beasts and I hate this mask.  With dead eyes, buck teeth, caterpillar eyebrows, greasy hair, baggy eyes and a bushy beard, the Caveman Halloween Mask looks less like a simple tool adept link in man's evolutionary chain and more like a fat, brainwashed slob of some cult's brethren.  This thing is scary a hundred ways to Christmas.  Higher species will reject it.

Michelle Obama Halloween Costume Mask & Wig

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #133

Anyone thinking they're going to flounce about town as America's sassy sweetheart in the Michelle Obama Halloween Costume Wig better get a brain check on what Halloween is all about. Superb class? Brains? American-made style? Perfect for an upstanding citizen, not for a Halloween Costume. Oooh, J. Crew. Scary. Ha. Nothing but a drunken conservative debate-team attempt. Target also has a Michelle Obama Halloween Costume Mask which is truly horrific.

Italian Momma Strega Nonna Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costumes #110

From the 2007 Archives:

I feel the same way as the activists do about this Italian Momma. How DARE Fright Catalog assume that my Italian Nonna is as scary as Leatherface! So what if I was beaten as a child by a wooden spoon? And if I was banned from even looking at knickknacks and plastic-covered furniture it was out of love, damn it!

The Italian Momma / Strega Nonna Halloween Costume is available from Fright Catalog.

Runny Butt Medical Patient Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #90

From the 2007 Archives:

Apparently this Runny Butt Halloween Costume monstrosity comes with a bulb that you push to make things squish out of the butt. You will, however, need to purchase your own toilet paper. Butt-revealing hospital gown suggests that this prize is in the process of receiving medically treatment. For what? Anyone’s guess. Then again, those drawn to this costume need to be committed.

The Runny Butt Halloween Costume is available from E Costumes.

Boob Head Halloween Costume Mask

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #89

From the 2007 Archives:

Doesn’t this thing belong in a Muppets movie? This Boob Head Halloween Costume Mask is a little too well-crafted as the boobs flow naturally from the upper cheeks creating the illusion of a crusty geezer with saggy mole-pocked jowls. Or a mutated lab hamster stockpiling snacks. Will anyone get it? The geeks, maybe. And the rest? It’s all about getting candy, getting loaded and smashing pumpkins. Nobody’s gonna think on H-Day!

The Boob Head Halloween Costume Mask is available from Haunted Props.

Uncle Sam Halloween Costume Mask

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #78

From the 2007 Archives:

Who wants to scare some Iraqis this Halloween? Or, come to think of it, Americans as well. Nothing like a creepy ass carnival sideshow snarling Uncle Sam Halloween Costume Mask to spin patriotism into a nightmare of horrors. Jeez, no wonder I’m scared into paying my taxes.

Pig Mask Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #73

From the 2007 Archives:

I sort of feel victimized just by looking at this fleshy and morosely smug Pig Halloween Costume Mask. There are going to be an awful lot of crying kids if you go prancing about town in this thing. Please don’t expose this thing to anyone not old enough to watch DELIVERANCE. And stay out of Georgia! Your Hogzilla butt may be roped, tied and photographed for the next issue of National Geographic! Actually, after my breakfast of Cheetos, it sort of makes me hungry for apples.

Big Weenie Hotdog Halloween Costume Mask

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #71

From the 2007 Archives:

Yup, you got that right. At least the Big Weenie Halloween Costume Mask not on his hoo-ha. I don’t get these mask-only Halloween costumes. If you’re going to go out looking like an idiot, why not just go the whole nine yards with a full-body get up? The two eye holes in the hotdog bun ruin its proportions.

The Big Weenie Halloween Halloween Costume Mask is available from Fright Catalog.

Blue Man Group Halloween Costume Mask

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #67

From the 2007 Archives:

Yes, the BMG mutes are creepy but this Blue Man Group Halloween Costume Mask looks more like a blueberry-dipped Peter Boyle, a horrible encounter with a fruit roll up or Violet Beauregarde’s Papa. Maybe if you did something about the Caucaisan eye bags peeking from behind the waxy latex and found other suckers to don similar masks and join you, you could pull off the BMG ensemble. But otherwise, you’re just a solitary Blue Man. A very odd solitary Blue Man. Come to think about it, when I was 11, I dipped a candle that looked very much like this at a YMCA summer camp.

Saddam Hussein Halloween Costume Mask

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #35

From the 2006 Archives:

Ever since Saddam Hussein was caught in a filthy hole, eating wieners and looking like a muddy Woodstock hippie, his scare stock crashed.  Therefore, the Saddam Hussein Halloween Costume ask is neither frightening, nor, given the current unrest in the Middle East, funny.  Plus, the red beret fashion this Hussein rendition into an unshaven pansy of an art student.  I've met many in my life so I can expertly assess this character as WEAK.

Dr. Condoleeza Rice Halloween Costume Mask

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #21

From the 2006 Archives:

The Dr. Condoleeza "Condi" Halloween Costume Mask is the perfect centerpiece for any United States Secretary of State Halloween Costume.  Honestly, unless a politician is embroiled in some sort of lurid scandal or you're a federal employee in need of an outfit for the office Halloween party (holla' tax dolla's!), I find these costumes rather ho-hum.  But it's your funeral. Take that, Axis of Evil!

By the way, I've also seen Laura Bush Halloween Costume Masks... but really, what's the point?  Unless you're literally trying to bore someone to death.  In which case, you're sick.

The Dr. Condoleeza "Condi" Halloween Costume Mask is available from Buy Costumes.

Vato Loco Halloween Costume Mask

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #20

From the 2006 Archives:

The gang-banging Vato Loco (crazy dude) Halloween costume Mask caused quite a controversy when it first hit the market as activists asserted, "This is an absolutely grotesque stereotype that represents some people's images of Latinos." and "What's disturbing is that this caricature is mixed in with ghosts, ghouls and demons and is pitched being among the most frightening of images - it denigrates Latinos to being frightening."  Way to be socially sensitive.

The Vato Loco Halloween Costume Mask is available from Fright Catalog.

Wacko Jacko Halloween Costume Mask

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #19

From the 2006 Archives:

Dare to celebrate the occasion as a man-child pedophile?  The Wacko Jacko Halloween Costume Mask in all its thoroughly inappropriate glory is the one for you!  Includes overly collagened lips, caved-in nose, perma-eyeliner, wig-ish hair and sad eyes.  Does not include baby-dangling Blanket.  If you deign to trick-or-treat at Tom Sneddon's house as Wacko Jacko, please take pictures.  If you don't, you'll be arrested.

The Wacko Jacko Halloween Costume Mask is available from Halloween Store.

Donald Rumsfeld Mask Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #8

From the 2006 Archives:

Donald Henry Rumsfeld served as the Bush Administration's highly controversial Secretary of Defense (his second time around the block) from 2001 to 2006 and ran the United States invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq.

Among other things, Rummy has been embroiled in scandals not limited to the crafting of war propaganda, the insufficient supply of military equipment to U.S. troops, and the torture and abuse of prisoners at Abu Ghraib.

The Donald Rumsfeld Mask Halloween Costume captures Rummy's essence in all its manufactured glory. And indeed it is bone-chilling. Almost too bone-chilling. If I met this thing in a dark alley, I’d throw Rummy the bag of candy I stole from the Lucky Charms Leprechaun and run screaming in the opposite direction. Rumsfeld, by the way, has been known to live on an estate known as "Mount Misery."

Missing Child Milk Carton Mask Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #6

From the 2006 Archives:

Remember back in the '80s when the milk carton activism was all the rage? The Missing Man Milk Carton Halloween Costume recaptures the glory of those pre-Amber Alert days. And who doesn't recall the days of after-school special, don't talk to the man with the missing puppy, child kidnapping with a certain fondness? Exactly. Time to alert John Walsh. Seems like the person making fun of missing and exploited children on Halloween is just begging to get stuffed in the back of a white van, never to be seen again. Except maybe on Medium. Or Ghost Whisperer.