Clapping Cymbal Toy Monkey Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #150

The Clapping Monkey Halloween Costume most derangely illustrates the wrath which any right-minded house dog exhibits when tearing into the mangey fur of a chirping simian toy.  I know.  I've witnessed it first hand.  And this monkey, with its mini-cymbals (the most annoying percussing instrument outside of the triangle), red striped inmate/elf pants, doofus red cap and constipated expression is a true study in freakdom.  Only a bona fide sociopath would don this tailed costume.

Geico Caveman Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #149

The Geico Caveman Halloween Costume is one ugly mother.  I hate those beasts and I hate this mask.  With dead eyes, buck teeth, caterpillar eyebrows, greasy hair, baggy eyes and a bushy beard, the Caveman Halloween Mask looks less like a simple tool adept link in man's evolutionary chain and more like a fat, brainwashed slob of some cult's brethren.  This thing is scary a hundred ways to Christmas.  Higher species will reject it.

Anorexia Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #147

The Anorexia Halloween Costume (Anna Rexia Halloween Costume) is the ultimate exploitation of disturbing diseases.  Some companies also refer to this costume as the Nicole Riche Halloween Costume which is just plain wrong.  The Anorexia Halloween Costume exploits serious social, psychological and physical illness and all under the guise of a skeleton-plastered nurse's uniform.  Medical professionals can sometimes wield their knowledge to become the sickest, most hypochondriacal ones of the bunch but unless the wearer of the Anorexia Halloween Costume is stick-thin, these duds will just appear to be from the Graveyard ER collection.  Another example of a play on words not quite translating in the visual realm.

Sewer Rat Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #143
I generally abhor life-size animal costumes for their cloying attempts to cuddle us to death but I detest the Sewer Rat Halloween Costume for a completely different reason... it's just so greasy. Taking a page out of a condemned KFC playbook, Sewer Rat dons a wife-beater shirt for added authenticity. All too reminiscent of one of the most hated characters from children's literature - Templeton from Charlotte's Web. The head emerging from the mouth also evokes a powerful gag reflex.

Trophy Wife Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #141

A Trophy Wife Halloween Costume? Like gag me with a martini olive. That is so 1980s. Really, it's the year of the cougar, baby. The Trophy Wife Halloween Costume places a Dynasty-esque creature on a literal "trophy" base and has poor blondie confined like some pathetic American Gigolo reject. Let's hope Trophy Wife is someone's bad idea of a joke or else y'all need to get off of your yacht and go straight to the therapist's chair.

A perfect portrayal of The Real Housewives of... Orange County, Atlanta, Yellowknife, wherever.

Oompa Loompa Halloween Costume for Child

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #140


Yikes! As if the remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory didn't do enough to distort the already freakish Oompa Loompas. That mistake of nature Willy Wonka himself couldn't do any more harm than getting entangled with the creepy Oompa Loompa population. While the new version loses the tri-tipped orange afros of yore, it adds a sharp, coldness to an already disturbing omnipotence. This child-size version of the futuristic evil space Oompa Loompas features a super shiny, surely non-breathable fabric. Snooty expression on child's face extra.

The Joker Batman Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #119

From the 2008 Archives:

Laughing yet? As I was driving my Granny through the deep, dark, woods, an old Buick thundered by us from the opposite direction of a no-lane road like a demon from hell. It was being driven by the above Heath Ledger as The Joker Halloween Costume. Now I did a quick search for “The Joker Halloween Costume” and the results were bountiful. Plenty of retail outlets are selling The Dark Knight: Joker Halloween Costumes for adults and children (good lord!) alike, to cash in on one of the most lucrative industries in history - celebrity death, tragedy and sensationalism.

Big Pussy Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #115

From the 2007 Archives:

Bet-loser. Stop cutesy smiling and go find your Tricky Dick.  You belong together.  Who would even buy one of these things?  A transgendered person trying to work out their  psychological issues via a misguided notion about what it means to be an XX?  Even that’s pushing it.  Sheesh.

The Big Pussy Halloween Costume is available from Nawty Things.

Dog Shalom Rabbi Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume#105

From the 2007 Archives:

I like this Dog Shalom Rabbi Halloween Costume because the royal blue yarmulke and Star of David sash perfectly complement the weimaraner’s skin tone and somber expression. The dachshund, however, is just plain ridiculous.

Crazy Cat Lady Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #99

From the 2007 Archives:

Crazy Cat Ladies are naturally scary and demented and shouldn’t be exploited even if they pass out weird Halloween treats like figs or kibble and you don’t really want to solicit their houses but end up on their porch ‘cuz the older kids dare you. Heaven forbid a Crazy Cat Lady Costume should meet a real Crazy Cat Lady. The universe might implode in a giant hairball. What both Cat Ladies have in common are a disheveled sense of simplicity. The lines and modernist colors of this nutty wardrobe immediately grab the eye. While the cat heads are abnormal, they quite nicely circularly accent the salmon pink robe. And cognitive recognition won’t pose a problem. Everyone can spot (and smell) a Crazy Cat Lady from miles away. Meow.

Adult Baby and Grandma Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #95

From the 2007 Archives:

Why oh why is this huge man-baby humping his granny? Big baby with endocrine issues (or abnormal toddler or regressive adolescent) has oodles of fun while granny silently screams. Adult Baby Humping Granny illustrates the dark side of a failure to wean. Proportionally disturbing, it elicits more questions than answers.

Adult Baby Humping Grandma is available from Party America.

Child Bride Halloween Costume for Kids

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #93

From the 2007 Archives:

Um… Conservative and creepy and primeval all at the same time with the Child Bride Halloween Costume. If your child wants, above all else, to be a bride this Halloween, rethink how your parenting techniques. You’re setting Biffy up for a lifetime of disappointments and bad choices.

The Child Bride Halloween Costume is availalbe from Lillian Vernon.

Fat Cheerleader Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #92

From the 2007 Archives:

Straight from an episode of Dr. Phil, a question of scruples plumps out in the Fat Cheerleader Halloween Costume. One one hand, we shouldn’t be maligning attempts for big-boned ladies to shake their groove thang but on the other hand, we shouldn’t be stoking the obesity epidemic. But no matter how you shake it, nobody (except chubby chasers who’ll loathe your false temptations) wants to see a blobular gut hanging over a retro cheerleader’s skirt. (Straight from Rydell High, yes?) Your only choice? Just don’t do it.

The Fat Cheerleader Halloween Costume is available from Halloween Express.

Runny Butt Medical Patient Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #90

From the 2007 Archives:

Apparently this Runny Butt Halloween Costume monstrosity comes with a bulb that you push to make things squish out of the butt. You will, however, need to purchase your own toilet paper. Butt-revealing hospital gown suggests that this prize is in the process of receiving medically treatment. For what? Anyone’s guess. Then again, those drawn to this costume need to be committed.

The Runny Butt Halloween Costume is available from E Costumes.

Harem Concubine Halloween Costume for Dogs

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #87

From the 2007 Archives:

It’s one thing for you to slut it up for Halloween but must you drag your dog into it? The Harem-Concubine-Belly Dancer Dog Halloween Costume (and photograph, for that matter) is plain dog porn horrific. Like Paris Hilton, this dog’s beauty is destroyed by indulgent over-crapccessorizing. It’s time for a revolution. Say no to puppy mills and say no to Harem Dog!

Special Forces Halloween Costume for Kids

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #86

From the 2007 Archives:

Trick or treat! Give me all of your @#$*(&! candy! Think you’d be scared if this Special Forces Halloween Costume for Kids came a knockin’? Tough! Special Forces Junior will throw tear gas through your window, break down your door and take whatever the Osama he wants anyway ’cause we know the squirt ain’t on any counter-terrorism missions. War! What is it good for? Besides injecting thuggish fear into law-abiding citizens, this Special Forces Costume for Kids flaunts illegally realistic firepower. Parents, use sound judgment. Take away Junior’s ATV and don’t buy him this ensemble!

Christmas Holiday Santa Cat Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #83
From the 2007 Archives:

Who says this cat kills its owner in his sleep? Nothing chimes Holiday Spirit less than a feline in a Santa hat and matching holly scarf. Be prepared for a Dickensian intervention. Tip #1: Nobody will fawn over your Christmas cat. They will be too busy questioning your mental soundness. Tip #2: If your cat tolerates this outfit, what you own is not a cat.

Race Horse and Jockey Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #75

From the 2007 Archives:

Er, parents, please don’t let your kids or neighbors see you out and about on the cul-de-sac in these weird Race Horse and Jockey Halloween Costumes, unless you want to reveal your S&M and bondage fetishes. Look at dad’s subservient pose to mom’s feisty domination. Dang, lock these people right up in the Hellfire Club.

Easter Egg Man Bunny Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #74

From the 2007 Archives:

Sweet lord, where do I start? I don’t care what holiday it is. An enormous bunny carrying a pastel dinosaur egg with a fetal man inside… it’s just not natural and really damages the evolutionary debate. Anti-Darwinian blasphemy!

The Easter Egg Man Halloween Costume is available from Stage Craft Inc.

Pig Mask Halloween Costume

Inappropriate Halloween Costume #73

From the 2007 Archives:

I sort of feel victimized just by looking at this fleshy and morosely smug Pig Halloween Costume Mask. There are going to be an awful lot of crying kids if you go prancing about town in this thing. Please don’t expose this thing to anyone not old enough to watch DELIVERANCE. And stay out of Georgia! Your Hogzilla butt may be roped, tied and photographed for the next issue of National Geographic! Actually, after my breakfast of Cheetos, it sort of makes me hungry for apples.